Tokyo Ew Ew
by sakuuya
Summary: The Mew Mews were saved by some new mews, but Ichigo isn't happy. Now the final battle is here, but who will win, cannon or original characters? Not for anyone who seriously likes New Mew stories. Look at the genre. The title is not a typo. Finished.
1. The chapter before the second chapter

**Tokyo Ew Ew**

No, the title is not a typo. Someone said I should branch out and parody things other than Harry Potter, so I decided to unleash my distaste of certain types of fanfiction (Doesn't that sound menacing? ) upon the TMM community. Mwa-ha-ha. I don't know exactly where on the time line of all Mew Mew-ness this starts, so just assume it's within the series somewhere.

Anyway, here goes. Enjoy. And remember, if it sounds like I'm making fun of you, I probably am.

**This fic was remastered on May 25, 2009.** The spelling and grammar should now be less... horrific. No big changes were made, though. Han shot first.

* * *

"Strawberry Ribbon Check!" Ichigo's attack flew at the chimera anima, but it only appeared bothered.

"It's not working; there's nothing we can do!" Minto cried as she dodged the monster's claws. If you took an elephant, made it about three times as large, stood it upright on its hind legs, gave it wicked-looking claws, and rolled the whole thing in purple bread crumbs, you'd have something that wouldn't look exactly like this particular chimera anima, but which people who had seen the real thing would find oddly familiar.

Suddenly dramatic music began to play. The moon magically became full, and five figures stood silhouetted against it.

"Who-who are you?" Retasu asked, her voice shaking. The middle figure laughed.

"We're Tokyo Ew Ew, and we know you suck. We're here to save your sorry butts." The other four Ew Ews, as well as the chimera, nodded in agreement.

"Um, well, I don't really think we suck, but you're welcome to help out...." Ichigo started.

"No! Don't let them! Dirty, rotten name-stealers. We're protected by copyright laws, you know! That's plagiarism!" Minto glared at the newcomers.

"Well, why can't they? We do need the help." Retasu cast a hopeful smile at the Ew Ews.

"No, I agree with Minto. They need to come up with their own, original identities, them they can try to convince us we suck again," Zakuro said with a slight smirk.

"Hey, look what I can do!" Purin proceeded to juggle ferrets, even though no one was actually looking."

Everyone argued for quite a while before Ichigo looked up.

"Where'd the Ew Ews go? And why is that elephant lying in the middle of the road?" the rest of the Mew Mews blinked confusedly at her, then Retastu shrugged.

"I guess it was actually an elephant."

Zakuro rolled her eyes. "Well, duh, it was an elephant. Barring the fact that there's no zoo for miles, and therefore no way for the aliens to get their hands on an elephant, it makes perfect sense."

"How?" Ichigo was confused.

"I don't know. But it has to make sense somehow, right?"

"Mm-hm!" Purin said enthusiastically, although she didn't really seem to be paying attention. "Hey, where'd my ferrets go?"

The Mew Mews looked around in panic, before Retasu pointed to the unconscious elephant, which the ferrets were slowly dragging away. Minto abruptly changed back to her regular self and started to walk away.

"We were not here tonight. We had nothing to do with these ferrets or this elephant. One of us fell asleep and this is her dream," she called over her shoulder. "Okay?"

Zakuro shrugged. "Makes perfect sense."

* * *

Yeah, I know, too short and dialogue-y. And the Ew Ews weren't in it enough. Oh, well, stay tuned for the next chapter, where the identities of the Ew Ews (Who are obviously OCs, but still) will be revealed.


	2. The second chapter

**Tokyo Ew Ew: The Second Chapter**

Yes, just when you thought it was safe to read one of those disgusting "new mew" stories, TEE is back. Fear its satirical goodness.

Meh, this is usually where I give replies to reviewers, but typing "I'm glad you liked it" gets tedious after a while. But I do wanna give a shout out to Peggi, 'cause she managed to give a good review even though she doesn't know TMM, and to Savvy-chan, who is absolutely right about this story.

By the way, if anyone has any suggestions for elements that I should include in this story, feel free to review (but don't email me. I can't get email unless you're already on my address book, and unless you happen to be Peggi, you're probably not. But feel free to say in your review that you wanna email me, so I can put your name in.)

* * *

Ichigo stormed into the back room of Café Mew Mew.

"RYOU!" she screamed, although he was right next to her. The volume of her voice stunned him a little, but he quickly recovered.

"Um...you're looking very...um...out-of-character today, Ichigo."

"Really? I'm so flattered you noticed! My old personality didn't really move plots along very well, so I'm trying something new."

"Oh, okay. So, was there any special reason you had to scream in my ear, or was that just for dramatic effect?"

"Who the heck are these new Mew Mews?" Ryou was taken aback by the directness of the question, but, true to form, he didn't show it.

"I did some research and I discovered that you and your little friends are going to lose your powers, so I created some new, stronger Mew Mews to pick up the slack."

"What?? Losing our powers? But...how..."

Ryou blinked.

"You mean I need a reason? I thought I was just allowed to make up plot devices to justify the presence of new characters. Just give me a second and I'll think of something..." he paused, thinking hard. Then he snapped his fingers. "Ah-ha! You girls are losing your powers because the animals from which you draw your powers are making a steady comeback, and since they're not as endangered anymore, they don't have as much fighting spirit."

"Damn those conservationists!"

"I hear you, Ichigo."

"So, if the animals aren't endangered anymore, what DNA did you use for the new (stupidimposterloser) Mews?"

"Vegetables." Ichigo's eyes widened in shock. She looked at Ryou as if he should, at any minute, put on a rather stupid hat and yell 'April Fools!', but he just stared back.

"Since when are vegetables endangered?" asked Ichigo incredulously.

"Here's a better question: when was the last time you ate a vegetable?" Ichigo thought hard, a look of intense concentration on her face.

"You know, I don't actually remember."

Ryou nodded smugly. "See? No one eats their vegetables anymore so (a) the veggies are becoming seriously endangered, and (b) the kiddies aren't growing up big and strong."

"That's the most moronic explanation of new Tokyo Mew Mew characters I have ever heard," Ichigo said, shaking her head.

"Oh yeah?" An orange-haired girl stepped out of the shadows about a foot away from Ichigo. "I rather think it's a pretty neat set of powers. And at least we don't have lame attack names like you."

"Wh-who are you?" Ichigo stammered.

"Me? I'm Kitty. But you can call me Ew Kitty. And now," Kitty said menacingly, turning to Ryou, "You have revealed the secret of our powers. For that you shall pay." Kitty struck a Sailor Moon-like pose. There was a flash of light and Kitty was suddenly dressed in an orange Mew Mew outfit with a hat shaped like the top of a carrot. In her hand she held a green Frisbee. The whole outfit clashed abysmally with her hair.

"Ribbon Kitty Smurf!" she yelled, and a lot of little blue people (who didn't look all that great with what she was wearing, either) appeared, tied Ryou up, and carried him away. Kitty smirked evilly, put her Frisbee on her head and abruptly disappeared. Ichigo sighed.

"How come the other Mew Mews are always evil?"

* * *

Whee! Another chapter finished. Still too short and dialogue-y, but I sort of liked it. I know that the way the Ew Ews got their powers was altogether too creative to accurately portray this sort of fic, but there's really nothing I could do about that.


	3. The chapter after the second chapter

**Tokyo Ew Ew: The Chapter after the Second Chapter**

Wow. Anyone look over the Tokyo Mew Mew page lately?

Like half of it's OC stuff.

I'm scared.

Aaaannnyyyway…here are the review replies:

**Quicksilver Foxx**: Wonderful idea. Her name is Mew Llama, and she appears in this chapter.

**Dark Moon Sabbath**: This is the rare animal known as "me updating".

**Dark Mew Angel**: You're entirely welcome.

**Kerichi**: Actually, I haven't read any TMM Mary Sues either, except in direct research for this fic, because I can detect them and because I detest them. But, y'know, if I really wanted to write a MS, you know what I'd do? I'd write the summary so that it sounded like a normal story and then even the careful, smart people like you would be sucked into my web of Mary-Sueness! Bwahaha!

Um…I just realized that there was no disclaimer on any of the previous chapters, so let's just pretend that I _did _own TMM, but then the goblins in my closet tried to eat it, so now the people who actually own it can have it back. Even though it's covered in goblin spit.

* * *

Later that afternoon, on a street somewhere in Tokyo, a plot was being recapped.

"What do you mean you were attacked by smurfs?" Minto looked incredulously at Ichigo, who rubbed the back of her head embarrassedly.

"One of the new Ews appeared in the diner. She said her name was Kitty, and then she sicced some smurfs on me."

"Smurfs don't exist, Ichigo," Minto said in the tone of voice one would use to explain something to a very small child. Ichigo threw her hands up in a gesture of helplessness.

"Neither do any Mew Mews besides the five of us."

"Good point."

A few feet away, the other three Mew Mews were having a deep discussion of their own.

"I bet that Kitty person and her friends will show up just when we really don't want them to," Retasu said firmly, as if she was just now figuring out that "just when we don't want them to" is_ always _when the bad guys show up. Zakuro might have been expected to make a sarcastic reply, but do to the need for plot exposition and the general out-of-character-ness of stories of this sort, her eyes widened in shock and she raised one trembling hand to point at Retasu.

"Y-you're not allowed to form your own opinions!"

Retasu blinked in confusion. "What?"

Zakuro, still trembling, struggled to explain. "Well, Retasu, you're really hard to write. So, um, most authors who write ensemble fics never even try. You—you just get to be one of the people in the background who goes along with what the "main" characters think. Apparently, this makes you very sad, so when you _do_ get your own stories, they're always angsty."

Retasu, who realized that what Zakuro said was true, merely nodded.

"You're right, Zakuro."

Meanwhile, Purin, another one of those characters who tends to get relegated to bit parts, had an idea.

"Gee, I sure hope those Ew Ews don't show up right now!" she yelled to the empty street. There was a faint popping noise, and cherry blossoms suddenly obscured everything but the five shadowy figures who had mysteriously appeared. The flower petals blew away, turning the figures from mysterious silhouettes into girls who, despite their ridiculous costumes, exuded an aura of power.

Then one of them tripped, falling flat on her face.

"Ow!" the fallen brown-haired girl moaned. An orange-gloved hand shot out from one of the other figures and hit the prone girl.

"Llama, you ruined our entrance!" Ew Kitty hissed furiously. "Now you'll never be a Mary-Sue, because you have shown actual faults!" Ew Llama scrambled back to her feet, holding her head and moaning slightly. Then, as one entity, the five Ew Ews turned to face those abhorrent creations known as the canon characters.

Expecting to see shock on the faces of the green-, purple-, and yellow-clad girls, Kitty was taken aback when Purin stuck out her tounge.

"Nyah, nyah, I was actually expecting you!" The monkey-girl intoned, sticking her thumbs in her ears and wiggling her fingers, "so you broke cliché!"

If Kitty had been surprised before, she was now positively shell-shocked, and her expression was mirrored by the other Ew Ews, with the exception of Llama, who still seemed to be in pain.

This didn't last long, however. Within a few seconds Kitty showed her continuing lack of color-coordination by turning beet-red, either from rage or embarrassment. Then she whirled around to face her still-horrified teammates, and after a few seconds of huddling, they disappeared with another pop.

Zakuro, who had been watching this all calmly from the sidelines, smirked before adopting a look of mock concern.

"Gosh, wouldn't it be horrible if those new mews showed up right now?" She said, her voice dripping with false worry.

Pop.

Retasu looked quizzically at the Ew Ews, who had just re-appeared.

"Did you actually fall for that?" she sounded concerned, too, but she was either genuine or a much better actress than Zakuro.

"Yeah. I mean. C'mon, it's a weekend. Don't you losers have anything better to do?" asked Minto, who had walked up to where the interesting stuff was going on, leaving Ichigo to talk to herself. A couple of the currently unnamed Ew Ews hung their heads in shame, before all five disappeared again.

Just then, Ichigo (who had apparently noticed that Minto had left) wandered over.

"Were those the Ew Ews?"

"Yeah," Minto replied with a shrug.

"Well, I'm glad they're gone. I really don't want to fight them right now." Realizing what she had said, Ichigo clapped a hand over her mouth and looked around nervously, as if trying to undo her last comment.

"Pop."

"Oh my gosh, they're here!" Ichigo began to run in panic circles.

"That was me," Zakuro explained. It didn't appear to have any effect. She rolled her eyes for the first time this chapter.

* * *

There you go! I know I made you wait too long, and I'm sorry. I'd like to say that I'll get the next chapter written faster, but, alas, that's probably not true. On the other hand... This is one of the longest single chapters I have ever written...


	4. Two chapters after the second chapter

**Tokyo Ew Ew: Two Chapters after the Second Chapter  
**

Again, I apologize for the lack of updates. On the other hand, I realized the best way to motivate myself to write this: look at the TMM fanfiction page. I don't do it very often (because I'm not actively following any stories at the moment), but when I do, I notice all the ridiculous "New Mew" crap, and it motivates me to keep registering my distaste. Here're the review replies:

**Quicksilver Foxx:** Yeah, I love Llama, too. I might just have to give her her own spin-off at some point. And why are you so much better at coming up with OCs than I am? This chapter is focused on Kitty, 'cause OCs aren't all about fighting the main characters, they have to steal all the guys, too. But look for your mushroom Ew in the next chapter.

**Dark Mew Sabbath:** Well, he took a while, but the me-updating animal is finally back. And I am honored to have made you write a long review. I love long reviews, so you made my day when you reviewed and then made it again when I went back and looked at the reviews to write my replies.

The disclaimer is still stands.

* * *

The next day, everyone was back at Café Mew Mew, doing roughly the same things they generally do while they're "working." Ichigo, who had been looking over her shoulder periodically to see if the Ew Ews had caught up with her yet, noticed that there were only two sources of sarcasm in the Café that day.

"Hey, has anyone seen Ryou?" The other four girls looked at her quizzically.

"Um, no, I haven't…" Retasu, who had been forced into a bit part again, said softly.

"I thought you said he was kidnapped by _smurfs_." Minto briefly turned blue and chibi to illustrate the last word.

"Why do you care so much about where he is, anyway?" Zakuro asked with a smirk.

"Because I love him with every bit of my soul. Kishu too," she replied automatically. Then, realizing what she had said, she quickly covered her mouth with one hand, making the other into a fist which she shook emphatically at the ceiling while yelling, "Curse, you, authoress! Curse you for making me say I like whatever random boy _you_ think I should! I love Masaya! Do you hear me, authoress? Ma-sa-ya!"

When she stopped ranting, she noticed the café was silent.

Then, from nowhere, a cricket chirped.

And then it was silent again.

After that, the café doors opened.

And now this story will once again be told in normal paragraphs.

Ryou stepped through the threshold into the café proper amid the still-silent waitstaff and customers. Then everyone, realizing that the dramatic moment was over, went back to talking or working or slacking off.

"Ryou, where have you been! Ichigo just confessed her love for you, and you missed it!" Purin exclaimed. When Ryou answered, his voice sounded flat and mechanical.

"I do not love you Ichigo. I love Kitty. She is the only one I will ever love." At this, Keiichiro walked out of the kitchen and stared at Ryou, who barely seemed to notice that the taller boy was almost in tears.

"I thought you loved _me_, Ryou. And now you're dumping me for an original character?" If Keiichiro said anything else, no one heard it as he turned on his heel and stalked back into the kitchen.

Ryou did not appear to be paying attention. Indeed, his eyes were strangely unfocused and his mouth had remained in the position it had been the last time he spoke. No one said anything for a moment, and then Ichigo noticed that there was one new person in the room, and that person was floating near the ceiling.

"Kishu!"

"That is right, Ichigo." Not only did Kishu's voice lack its customary arrogance, but the alien wasn't even smirking. "I have just come to tell you that you and your little band of Sailor Moon wannabes is no longer worth our attention. You cannot stop us, so we are uninterested in you."

"Let me guess, the new threat to your mission is Tokyo Ew Ew?" Zakuro asked in a monotone that imitated the ones Kishu and Ryou had used.

"That is correct. Not only are they a much bigger threat to us, but their leader is much more beautiful than you. She is more worthy to be my kitty." After Kishu finished speaking, just to further illustrate the point, Masaya randomly appeared in the café.

"Masaya, don't tell me that _you _don't love me either!" Ichigo said sadly, already knowing what the reply would be. When the boy spoke, it was in a flat, toneless voice.

"No Ichigo. I love—"

"Kitty. We know," intoned everyone in the café who was not either Ichigo or under the aforementioned OC's spell.

"I was going to say Llama." Everyone just stared at him.

"What? But she's not even a Mary-Sue!" Ichigo was indignant that not only had her true love just confess his love to an original character, but an _inferior_ original character at that. "Why don't you love Kitty like everyone else?" Now she was just genuinely curious.

"I am considered inferior. The authoress would not have her pet character waste time with me. I am therefore required to be smitten with a random supporting character, and…"

"At the moment, Llama is the only supporting OC with a name."

"Yes." With that, Masaya, Ryou, and Kishu walked/floated out of the café with their arms held in front of them zombie-style.

At first, Ichigo was too shell-shocked to do anything but watch them leave, tears running down her cheeks. After a moment, though, Ichigo's grief hardened into deadly resolve.

"The Ew Ews will pay." Ichigo felt a hand on her shoulder and turned around to see Keiichiro standing there.

"Yes," he said, "For taking Ryou, they will pay dearly."

* * *

Wow, that was a craptacular effort to be dramatic. And it therefore perfectly mirrors the fics I'm making fun of. But it was still really, really bad.

Just for the record, I do believe strongly in the Ichigo/Masaya pairing. (And Keiichiro/Ryou, in case you couldn't tell.)The only reason Masaya was slighted in this story is because most people dislike him, but I'm rather fond of him, myself. You can go ahead and tell me why he sucks if you want; I'll just laugh at your review.


	5. Chapter five

**Tokyo Ew Ew: Chapter Five**

Well, after I posted the fourth chapter, I went and looked at the TMM page to see if it had showed up, and since looking at said page makes me wanna keep writing this story, this chapter cam out remarkably quickly. That said, the next chapter will probably be the last one. But I might do a spin-off starring Llama. (Never fear, it won't be a traditional Mary-Sue story. Because Llama isn't actually a Mary-Sue, remember?)

Look, people reviewed the last chapter!

**Peeka-Chan**: I return your hugs in full. The Ichigo/Masaya paring (Which I like to call Mayago) doesn't get enough respect.

**Quicksilver Foxx**: I never woulda pegged you as not detesting Masaya. But you're sooo right about Ryou/Keiichiro (Keiichiryou!). And as much as I like your banana idea, I'm trying to keep the Ews as veggies.

**MewMewFanGIRL**: Yes, I raather think so.

**Spaceman Spiff (Emily)**: Um…. No one's ever professed their love for me in a review before, so I'm really not sure what to say. And check it out: we've got a 'tater Ew! Are zucchini vegetables?

**Cat Rain**: I look forward to you and your friends writing a parody! There just isn't enough parody in the world, especially not in the TMM world. And, really, I had no plans to include Taruto in this story, but now he just might have to make an appearance in the next chapter.

**Nyaa Neko**: You know, I don't think I've ever run across a good New Mew fic. Would you mind pointing me towards some? And you'll never, ever have to worry about Masaya being OOC in this fic, 'cause everyone else is so OOC you won't even notice that he is, too. If you're a fan of yaoi at all, I really suggest reading some Keiichiryou stuff. They're actually really cute together.

**Dark Moon Sabbath**: Whaddaya mean, you "naturally" don't pay attention to Masaya? Oh well, even if you're not a Masaya fan, at least you're mature enough that his presence in the story doesn't make you stop reading. And as for Keiichiro… Well, he'll have a bigger part than Ryou, I think, just because I like the idea of him fighting to get his boyfriend back. Retasu, on the other hand, probably won't have that big a part, 'cause I'm already breaking cliché to have mentioned her multiple times so far.

**Lunar Sprinkles**: Yay, my first flame! Anyway, (a) the "vegitable" characters are my OCs, so I can make fun of them as much as I darn well want, which hasn't actually been that much. Sure, they do stupid things, but so do the real characters, (b) the difference between a parody and a bashing is that a good parody is a more or less intelligently written attempt to point out things the writer finds absurd, while a bash is a non-creative way of showing your dislike of a character by means of badly written OOC stuff, and (c) because the word "idiot" starts with a vowel, its correct article is "an."

**Rokhaya**: Thankies! I like stories like that, too, which is why I write 'em, I guess…

Ha ha! Not one nasty review from a Masaya hater. Just one from someone who kept calling me "a idiot," which only made me smile. Maybe the Masaya haters are all the ones who write Mary Sues (and therefore don't read this)? Actually, that would explain a lot about the bad grammar, horrible plots and crappy characterizations in Masaya-bashing fics.

Sigh. I want to parody those bashes, but they're so ridiculous that you wouldn't be able to tell the parody from the real thing…

Enough with my Masaya rants. You came here to read the story (I think?).

**Disclaimer 1:** I do not own TMM. I do, however, own legions of reviewbots, which I did not have to utilize last chapter because real people read it.

**Disclaimer 2:** I do, also, take full responsibility for the fact that the disclaimer on this chapter makes no sense.

* * *

They hadn't made an elaborate plan. Heck, they'd barely planned at all. They hadn't had time. What with Ichigo and Keiichiro so distraught over the loss of their respective boyfriends, there had been nothing to do but close up the café early and go on a full-scale Ew Ew hunt. Besides, everyone could feel a plot climax drawing near, and their vague feeling of impending action violence made them all edgy.

Of course, they didn't have to look long. In fact, Purin had just convinced the group to stop for ice cream when the Ew Ews appeared, accompanied as always by a flurry of cherry blossoms. Ichigo, Minto, Retasu, and Zakuro transformed, trusting that no one would recognize them once they were in costume. The hatred that flickered like lightning between them and the Ew Ews-who had appeared fully transformed-was so palpable that it was causing the hair of several bystanders to stand on end.

Then both groups sat down at various tables and waited for Purin to eat her ice cream.

When she had finished and recycled her wrapper (because Tokyo Mew Mew is an environmentally friendly story), Purin also transformed, and then the Mew Mews and Ew Ews faced each other in ritualistic, Sailor Moon-ish poses.

It was Retasu who broke the silence.

"Um… Not that I think you guys are worthwhile characters or anything, but would you all mind giving your names?" she asked softly. "It's kinda required by the story that we learn who you are at some point, and since this is the second-to-last chapter, now's as good a time as any." The Ew Ews huddled up and engaged in hurried, whispered conversation to discuss this.

"All right. I, as you know, am Ew Kitty, Mary-Sue extraordinaire and true heroine of this fic." Kitty declared arrogantly.

"And I'm Ew Llama. But I think I've been mentioned before, so you might have known that already…" The brown-haired girl in the bulky costume added vaguely, with a little wave. The Mew Mews looked pointedly at the three as-yet unknown girls.

"Ew Giant Squid," said a chubby, red-clad girl.

"My name is Ew Gecko." This from a girl wearing red-spotted white.

"'N' I'm Ew Cucumber." The last girl, wearing a dark purplish-black outfit, gave a small salute.

"Hey! I thought you guys were all named after animals!" Minto exclaimed.

"Yeah, and?" Cucumber seemed confused.

"Well, a cucumber isn't an animal!"

"Yes, it is."

No, it's not!" the argument continued in this manner for a time, until Cucumber whipped some form of nature magazine with what appeared to be an oblong lump of goo on the cover out of seemingly nowhere.

"See?" The dark-clad girl explained, pointing to the goo. "It's called a sea cucumber. It's an animal, if just barely."

"Oh, okay."

"Um, can we fight them now? I kind of want my boyfriend (WHO IS _MASAYA_, AUTHORESS!) back…" Ichigo asked.

Everyone looked at everyone else and shrugged, then started attacking one another.

In addition to the more familiar attacks of the Mew Mews, various other random attack combinations could be heard among the din.

"Ribbon Kitty Smurf!"

"Ribbon Llama Sporks!"

"Ribbon Squid Frying Pan!"

"Ribbon Gecko 1-Up!"

"Ribbon Cucumber Sponge Bath!"

Surprisingly, not even attack names like _those_ could distract the Mew Mews from the battle at hand, and the two groups fought each other to a standstill for a while.

Then Kitty managed to lure Ichigo away from the main battle. Although the Ew Ews and the Mew Mews were, as groups, about evenly matched, Kitty's personal power was much greater than Ichigo's. Kitty knew this as a deep, ingrained part of her personality. Ichigo knew it because Kitty was obviously some sort of horrible self-insertion, which are always more powerful than they have any right to be.

With a sigh, Ichigo realized that if that was true, there was no point in fighting back. If the authoress was stupid enough to kill off the series' main character, well, then stupid people were taking over the world anyway, so what did it matter?

Ichigo followed this train of thought until someone poked her shoulder. Looking up, she realized it was Kitty.

"What do you want, Kitty?"

"_You _can't be angsting! _I'm _supposed to be the angsty one here! I mean, yeah, I stole your boyfriend and everything, but that's _nothing _compared to my tragic life! Both my parents died when I was really little, and then I was left to fend for myself with nothing but the enormous fortune they left me-"

"Why are you telling me this?"

"It's plot exposition, darling. It has to go somewhere. Anyway, after living alone for years, I finally became an enormously successful model/actress/idol singer/sous chef," continued Kitty, who, from the way she was using periods again, had obviously calmed down somewhat. "And then I realized that my parents weren't dead, but that they were really international spies who had to go into hiding to escape their enemies. Then there was a heartfelt, tearful reunion, which ended up with both my parents' holographic forms dissolving. Apparently they're actually aliens, and I'm Kishu's sister."

Ichigo processed this information rather rapidly, given the circumstances. Then she winced in disgust.

"Wait, didn't you say that Kishu was your _brother_? But, like, didn't you brainwash him and make him your love slave or something?" Ichigo asked, thoroughly disgusted.

"Oh, yeah, I hadn't thought of that." Kitty's nose wrinkled in distaste. "Eww!" When the dreaded OC looked back at Ichigo, the pink-clad girl had fainted from the sheer ickyness of it all.

Kitty smiled sinisterly and prepared to finish her off.

* * *

And that's where we'll end for today, kiddies. The next chapter should finish everything up, although now that we know Kitty's past there can't be much more left, anyway. I'm actually very proud of her past. I've been trying to find out a way for her to be Kishu's sister for months.

Oh, and just a note about other stuff. The punctuation in this chapter follows the idea of punctuation use in _Maskerade_ by Terry Pratchett. If you've never read the book, the basic principle is that the more exclamation points a character uses, the less sane that character is. One or two exclamation points are normal, and five means he/she is totally bat crap crazy. Also, the line "It's plot exposition, darling, it has to go somewhere," is from _The Great Muppet Caper_.

Further points to anyone who can guess what kinds of vegetable matter the other three Ew Ews are based on.

Review, Please!


	6. 4 Chapters before the second chapter

**Tokyo Ew Ew: Four Chapters after the Second Chapter**

You hold now, on your computer screen, the legendary final chapter of TEE. I met my goal of completing it before school started again (school makes me much too lazy to write anything good), but just barely, and I'm neglecting my required summer reading to do it.

The stupid thing took out all my excessive exclamation points. I'm sad.

So, without further ado, here are… The review replies!

**Tokyo Mew Mew to the Rescue**: I know, I know, this is not "soon." I do apologize.

**hm**: Thank you. You present your opinion very well without being offensive. A certain anonymous reviewer of the previous chapter should take some cues from you. And Terry Pratchett, in addition to just being a fantastic satirist, is one of the authors who inspired me to write parodies in the first place (the other was Douglas Adams).

**Amme Moto**: Your cousin _made _you? Ouch. Again, many, many yays to you for presenting your pairing preferences without being mean and misspelling a whole lot.

**Rokhaya**: Y'know, Kitty scares me a little too, sometimes, and she's _my _character. The reason she's so much more abrasive than normal Mary-Sues is that she's aware that she's a Mary-Sue, and therefore thinks that that somehow makes her special. As for your veggie guesses, you only got one right. Squiddy is indeed a tomato.

**Shinsei Tsukiko**: I sincerely hope that our sprinkled friend read your review. Although I don't think I'm bashing anyone. In my experience with bashes, they tend to be unintelligent attempts to make a certain character look bad, and often the only "humor" they include is the aforementioned character in pain.

I like to think I write kinda better than that.

**quicksilver foxx**: You're completely right.

**Spaceman Spiff (Emily)**: First off, I am awed by the length of your review. Um, I'm pretty sure the review was longer than the whole first chapter of this story, although I haven't counted word-for-word. And apparently I'm famous now. Neato.

And, y'know, you'd think that if someone was related to Kishu, they'd at least _look _like him, but they never do. That would make it way easier to find and squash the alien sues! Besides that, I'm glad you liked Kitty's past. It's one of my personal favorite parts of the whole story, too.

* * *

In the weeks between the posting of the previous chapter and the posting of this one, Ew Kitty had had plenty of time to consider how best to finish Ichigo off, and the authoress had decided that if the series' main character was going to die to prove the superiority of original characters, it should at least be in a somewhat nifty way.

To this end, Kitty somehow developed a new attack in the brief seconds of in-story time.

Her eyes flashing triumph, the girl with the carrot hat raised her hands and shouted, "Ribbon Kitty Mary-Sues Are Obviously Superior!"

With an attack name that long, you might have expected the attack to do something pretty darn snazzy. But nothing happened.

"What?" Kitty shrieked. She glared at Ichigo for a few brief seconds before realizing that there was no way the unconscious girl could have stopped her attack. Kitty's head whipped back and fourth, trying to spot any reason her attack might have failed, but she found none.

Then there was a tap on her shoulder.

When the dreaded OC turned around, Keiichiro was standing there, pointedly holding up a pink piece of paper.

"Ew Kitty… You're fired," he intoned gravely. Then he paused for a second, his head cocked to one side. "Wait, no, wrong show. What I meant was, uh, you should read this. Out loud. For the sake of the plot."

Kitty snatched the piece of paper from him and read, "New at the Mew Mew Café!!! DELUXE SALADS!!! Now Featuring Tomatoes, Mushrooms, Eggplant, and Carrots!!!!" It is still unclear as to whether that excessiveuse of exclamation points was Kitty's addition or whoever designs the café's fliers is a few leaves of romaine short of a deluxe salad. At any rate, the news of the salads hit Kitty like a large boulder of jello.

"NO!"

"Yep, that's right," Keiichiro said, grinning, "and they're selling like crazy. Apparently salads are a cool food now. There's been a dramatic increase in the number of those vegetables produced, so your powers failed.

"Wow. That's a lame way to beat them," interjected a random passerby.

"Yeah, and who puts eggplant in salad, anyway?" asked another. Then both just walked away.

Keiichiro and Kitty paused for a moment. Behind them, there were other cries of alarm as the Ew Ews' powers failed.

Then Ew Llama walked up and tapped Keiichiro on the shoulder.

"Um… excuse me, but why did my powers fail?" she asked politely. "You didn't put any potatoes in the salad or anything…" Keiichiro just shrugged.

"Actually, I don't know how you got powers in the first place. I mean… _Potatoes? _Everyone eats potatoes. Mind you, they're usually costumed as chips or fries, but still!" He sighed, then muttered, "Stupid authoresses, never think things out, no sense of plot…"

Llama waited patiently until he finished ranting under his breath and then said, "But we need to come up with a coherent explanation or people will stop reading this because it makes no sense."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"Of COURSE IT'S A BAD THING!" Kitty interjected furiously. "THIS IS MY STORY! WHAT'S THE POINT OF BEING AN OC IF YOUR STORY DOESN'T MAKE SENSE?" Then her eyes widened as she realized what she had said. Smoke began to rise from her form, which was shrinking rapidly as she disintegrated, because, of course, this story makes no sense, so there was no point to her continued existence.

With their leader reduced to a pile of dust, Giant Squid, Gecko and Cucumber, who had turned back into regular girls, shrugged and walked away. There is a long, scientific reason why they didn't turn to dust like Kitty did, but it basically boils down to this: they were just there to fill the stereotype of the group of evil Mew Mews, and were therefore more like plot robots than actual characters.

And not even the cool sort of robots that have giant swords and laser guns.

As Kitty disintegrated, all the boys she had stolen arbitrarily appeared. Masaya ran up to Ichigo and hugged her. She returned his affection in full, all the while with a triumphant gleam in her eye that seemed to say, "See, authoress?"

Kish, who still seemed a bit dazed, was floating in wobbly circles singing a song about kittens.

We'll not say what Keiichiro and Ryou did now that they were united, because yaoi just doesn't belong in a story like this, but let's just assume they went off and had some private time. After they left, conversation lapsed into a companionable silence.

"So… are we still within the normal Tokyo Mew Mew timeline? Shouldn't we be fighting Deep Blue or something by now?" Ichigo asked bemusedly, but no one paid her any mind.

The sun was setting as the Mew Mews, Masaya, and Kish walked/flew back towards the café. They made it back just in time to see Taruto being dragged down the street by a group of ferrets whose fur glistened in the last rays of the dying sun.

* * *

And so it ends. That whole chapter was a terrible anticlimax, but how else could a story like this one end?

Please review, and stay tuned for "Tokyo Ew Ew: Llamarama", the award-winning* sequel to Tokyo Ew Ew_._

*Okay, so it hasn't actually won any awards. Whatever.


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